“America shudders at anything alien…” – Max Lerner
“Whoever lives at a different end of the town from me, I look upon as persons out of the world,
and only myself and the scene about me to be in it.” – Jonathan Swift
A quote out of a publication on the subject of the nerve to write candidly caused me to realize how I have held back from being riskily truthful with my musings on the single encounter theme. A successful author asks “Is it true that writers are pillagers of privacy? Yes. And it is also true that others get hurt along the way. But what are a few hurt feelings along the fiction trail?” (Ralph Keyes, The Courage to Write). Well, given my writings have to do with the non-fiction path and the possibility of marring the feelings of loved ones I need to think twice about what I write about.
I’m still advocating for a single encounter lifestyle that can hold its own alongside any forms of tribal bonding whether they be families, faith communities, corporate institutions or nation/states. The term ‘tribal’ is defined as “relating to, or reflecting the traits exhibited by a group of people with a common ancestry, and culture; a tribal solidarity that transcends all other loyalties or bonds.” (Marion-Webster). I’m coming to believe there is no way to achieve a peaceful life on the global front by clinging mostly or exclusively to clannish ties. Was there ever a time when there was no tribal living when individuals populated the planet?
I’m very reluctant to reveal publically that I could have opted to remain single and reached a level of unconditional compassion with strangers in one-shot encounters throughout my life at a depth that most couples may experience in their married lives. I’m pretty certain the accumulation of intimacy I garnered within those stranger-to-stranger encounters reached the intensity of compassion I’ve felt with my spouse for over four decades, and I’ve loved her dearly. I also cherish my kids, grandkids and son-in-laws. I believe I could have maintained a meaningful and enriching single lifestyle, but once I did wed I had no qualms about staying married and welcomed a lengthy love bond. The compassion I felt with total strangers, male or female, came close and at times matched the feelings I have for my wife and children. I’ve yet to meet married acquaintances who claimed they got in touch with such levels of compassion with strangers. If they did they were reluctant to confess it. They have to be out there.
I’m becoming more convinced most tribal living, familial, congregational or national, will never enable us to live peacefully on this planet. The recent rash of reports related to sexual assaults within religious orders and universities and the escalating mistrust in the investment sector may have everything to do with in-house clannish loyalties. And what about the ever-present desire of the state of South Carolina to secede from the union? Is that not evidence of an undying tribal yearning? The Arab Spring survivors will likely remain divided tribal bodies.
So, what’s the alternative to communal bonding in the world? We’ve not tried honoring and encouraging citizens to remain unmarried throughout their lives. There is little if any real affirmation of those who wish to stay single and no religious or cultural rites that pay tribute to a solitary lifestyle. What are the drawbacks in being married or partnered? Couples committed to lengthy bonding may miss out on experiencing profound momentary ties with perhaps thousands of strangers in a lifetime as opposed to engaging with a dozen or so. Once couples commit to the time and energy given to work, raising offspring and retaining congregational ties they may be too worn out to want to connect deeply with world citizens. What would happen if a majority of Americans, for example, chose to remain single? How would that work? Would it undercut obligations to married life and child rearing? Would it merely cause chaos in cultures or could it possibly slow down the population growth on an overpopulated planet?
Will there ever come a day when citizens will opt to spend as much or more time running deep with strangers as they do with relatives and friends? In northern Europe married life is being challenged by those choosing to link with partners without the blessings of state or church. An increasing number of women are opting to raise children on their own and nearly half the marriages in our country are ending in divorce. Remaining single is becoming more of a choice than mere circumstances for women than in the past.
Spending considerable time bonding with extended family members seems to have diminished in the last 30 or 40 years. As a child I assumed I would always retain a deep relationship with my first cousins. It has become an obligation to stay in touch with them. Letting go of sustaining those traditional ties ought to free us up to bond unconditionally with outsiders but we may have to be trained and urged to pursue such ties and have an incentive to do so.
Could the changing trends indicate there are inklings among the younger generations that married life or partnering may not provide the kind of lifestyle that will allow them to actualize who they are, who they are meant to be and with whom they might wish to bond? Do the recent social trends and cyber contacts suggest that citizens are willing and wanting to find ways to open themselves up to have more time and energy to bond with outsiders? Will new modes of living enable citizens to be present to a world beyond families, faith communities and nation/states? And if so, will the unattached risk running deep with unfamiliar peoples on unknown soil?
What if we have an intuition that we are built to bond profoundly with foreigners/strangers and avoiding them causes us to feel slightly guilty? Is it possible Americans live with a low-grade form of depression as sociologists have construed because we know we belong to all beings as well as loved ones? What if we are gradually sensing the time and compassion we expend on insider loving go against the grain of our instincts to connect with others? And what if our Insulas, the cranial organs that generate our deepest innate emotions, have been interfered with by institutions with well-meaning agendas but plans that may not fit the times?
We may need to keep in mind that Dietrich Bonhoeffer, the legendary German pastor, martyr and prophet, was single when he wrote the Cost of Discipleship in 1937. He was not married with children when he risked his life attempting to assassinate Hitler. Obviously he figured he would never come to love his enemy, the Fuhrer. That seems fair enough. And another point to ponder; Jesus never modeled married life. The established church would take us there and I doubt if Jesus and the disciples functioned as a tribal entity. He apparently spent as much time away from them as he did with them.
What about loving our neighbors and enemies? How do we do it? How do we find the time to maintain a compassionate bond with those next door or around the block? Luckily Jesus didn’t set a time limit on such daring loving. We don’t have to love our enemy day in and day out, year after year until our demise or theirs. Maybe a single encounter unconditional bond is enough. Perhaps we can love our foes on the spot once within a couple of hours. Will that suffice? If we have no desire to love our neighbors and enemy forever we might try a one-shot plunge. We ought to be able to pull off a dozen or so of those in a lifetime.
“The whole theory of the universe is directed unerringly to one single individual – namely You.” Walt Whitman (only one more page to go)
Bill Killian, a wise, married and passionate retired hospital chaplain, has composed a rough draft of a ritual for the unmarried that might find a place someday in our United Methodist Book of Worship between the baptismal and marriage ceremonies. Bill came up with the following statement and would welcome your response by way of suggestions.
Single & Sacred: Celebrating a Life-long Commitment
On this day I solemnize my choice for the single life. Whether or not I am a parent or become one is not the issue in this ceremony and ritual; I simply choose not to enter into the marriage vows now or in the foreseeable future. I like being single, and I honor this life as a sacred commitment. My prayer is that my family and friends will support me in my choice, and I re-commit my energy and time to all my relatives – my siblings, parents, and especially my nieces and nephews. I will practice the principles of integrity and wholeness in all my relationships, and I will continue to build my support team – an important group of friends who enable me to live the abundant life. My choice for singleness is based in my understanding of who I am, and I do not feel diminished in any way because of this choice. The promise of my faith is that I am as enriched and fulfilled as any person within or outside of the marriage vows. I do not take this commitment lightly – it is my responsibility to share the happiness of the single life with others, and I will fulfill that responsibility as I practice my faith in my local church congregation through teaching and witness as those opportunities become available.
The word “S-I-N-G-L-E” encapsules my understanding of the life I have chosen:
S-I-N-G-L-E
Sacred life – alone, but rarely lonely
Integrity in all relationships
Nurturing self and others is my focus
Gratitude is a daily gift to self and others
Love is the essence of my life
Equality is what I expect/embrace at all times